The great thing about Perth was that we had family there, so was going to be a more relaxed experience, as well as an opportunity to escape the stench of hostel. Our lives dramatically changed from sharing rooms with random strangers, to being woken up by screaming children. On the one hand, in the hostels, you don’t have to hear the dulcet tones of a 2 year old saying, ‘Michael-Dora, Michael-Dora, Michael-Dora, Michael-Dora,’ but on the other hand, people in the hostel don’t always have such a sunny disposition and very rarely want to show you their toys.
We were to spend 25 days in the most isolated city in the world with my cousin Kelly, Brad and their four kids Anais, Sienna, Noah and Mayah. As an extra treat, we had my Uncle Ray and Auntie Jean over too. I hadn’t seen Kelly for years, so it was a bit embarrassing at the airport when we walked through arrivals and was genuinely unsure whether a similar looking lady was her. I got pretty close to tapping her on the shoulder until the actual Kelly arrived. Awkward situation averted.

Ednora crushing a child

Ednora crushing a child



Ednora's daily battle

Ednora’s daily battle


Uncle Ray pretending to be at a sunset, when in fact, it’s a billboard.

One of the first things we did when we got there was, naturally, hit the beach for some surfing. After trying it for the first time, we had an extremely long way to go. Afterwards, we decided to do something we were far better at, sitting in a cinema and watching a film. Star Wars: The Force Awakens was the movie of choice. This isn’t a film review blog, but you basically need to go and see it. Twice.
We planned to spend the next day in the city of Perth, but when Ednora found SciTech (a Science Museum & Planetarium), we spent the entire day there. Ednora being given a personal tour of the place on a segway while I walked 10 yards behind her, carrying her bag, made me feel lucky to be part of a balanced, healthy relationshit (yeah, that’s right. I spelt it wrong). We went to an explosions show where the bloke chatted about science for a bit and then blew things up. Unfortunately, 90% of the things he was supposed to blow up, didn’t blow up, which felt very similar to the science experiments at school.



Christmas!! Kids really do make it more magical, but so strange to spend Christmas in the sun. The kids got some awesome presents. Mayah received shiny stuff which made noises, predominantly the noises of Frozen. We even went to the beach with a beer to arrogantly prove that it was a hot day celebrating the birth of Our Lord Jesus Christ. The next few days were spent checking out the local bays and harbours and getting jealous over the huge mansions overlooking the ocean – only Uncle’s Ray’s excellent humour kept a smile on our faces.




The Santa who, when giving out presents, tells the kids the Big Guy isn’t real. Brutal.

We decided to get out of Kelly’s hair and explore a quaint town just south of Perth City. Fremantle is one of the more ancient (ancient for Australia) towns of Western Australia. To get acquainted with this historical town, we hired a couple of bikes and cruised along the coast. My skinny-ass bum was numb after about 30 minutes. I had made it through the trip but I was walking around as though I’d shat myself for some time after. Dinner was at the Little Creatures brewery where we had kangaroo, which was delicious!  It tasted a lot like kangaroo.


Yes, I’m riding one-handed right now


Fremantle Prison

Fremantle Prison



Simulating the picking up of soap in a prison shower. Banter.



Of course, we had to visit the prison. Our first of two tours was with a lovely old man, around 5ft 4” and one red eye who appeared to have been giving tours for hundreds of years. His deadpan routine was delivered better than most comedians. I wasn’t sure whether this was an act, or he just truly despised saying the same stuff over and over again. Three of the best quips this legend had were:
1. ‘The prison has a chapel, which is still fully functioning. You can get married there. Got to start your life sentence somewhere.’
2. ‘Sydney Sutton received 17 lashes on his back until the doctor told them to stop. When lying on the floor he had salt water poured on the wounds…but no need to rub it in.’
3. ‘Last year I accidentally locked someone in the gallows. When I let him out, I told him “thanks for hanging around”. He wouldn’t speak to me at all…he was highly strung.’
Once of the eeriest facts was regarding Martha Rendell, the only woman hanged in the gallows. She tried to cure her three step-children’s diphtheria by bathing them in hydrochloric acid. 
The second tour was about great escapes. The guy who gave us the tour used to work at the prison. His final story was of a notorious, yet charming criminal named Brendan Abbott who was an excellent escape artist. He escaped Fremantle prison and whilst on the run, boasted that he had escaped wearing Jim Fisher’s hat. Jim Fisher was the man giving us the tour. Duh duh duuuuuhhhhhhhhh!!
After a visit to the shipwreck gallery, giving insight into the Batavia, we headed back to Kelly’s in Kinross and on the floor of the train was a used condom. Hehe.